If you’re a Melbourne local – and you’re dating – I know the pain you’re going through.
It’s disappointing, hilarious, heartwarming and – of course – involves dumplings.
Let me fill you in on the mandatory Melbourne dating rites of passage that every person looking for a relationship in this town goes through.
10. Meet your partner’s friends at Shanghai Dumpling and bond over the Happy Birthday song being played six times.
For every three times they play ‘Happy Birthday’, they’ll play one ‘My Heart Will Go On’.
9. Make plans to visit the NGV together, never go.
Six months later you’ll see the photo you took of them at the flower wall on their Tinder profile.
8. Have an argument on Brunswick Street.
It could be the tension of finding a car space or the frustration of waiting 20 minutes for a croissant at Lune, but it’s mandatory for all couples to get shirty in Fitzroy.
7. Make plans to visit Prahran Market together, never go.
All that cheese looks good but this bed is comfortable.
6. Attend a trivia night with your new partner’s friends and pretend you don’t mind losing.
Go to a Jaws Events themed trivia so you can judge them on their knowledge of Mean Girls.
5. Make plans to go to Savers together, never go.
Your whole outfit comes from Chadstone – don’t deny it.
4. Change their name in your phone to ‘DO NOT CALL NARCISSIST JARROD’.
Change their contact every time you have a tiff with an overly emotive and dramatic nickname.
3. After the breakup, every trip to Barkly Square you’re panicking you’ll bump into them in Kmart homewares.
Sparkly Bear Kmart is significantly better than any other Kmart in town.
2. They write a book/do a Fringe show about how terrible your relationship was – of which you deny all existence.
This definitely didn’t happen. No more questions.
1. Repeat because you’ll never learn.
I’ve been off Tinder for four days. Things are probably different now – I should check it out.